제가 오토코노코가 된 사연입니다.
“다녀오겠습니다!”
“그래, 잘 갔다 오렴.”
“네네네.”
‘꺄르르 꺄르르 기뻐 기뻐! 이제부터 나는 여자다.’
어젯밤, 나는 나름 여장 준비를 했다.
가슴에 뽕도 넣고 눈에 아이라인 그리고 쌍꺼풀을 그려 넣고 다리털은 청테이프로 제거했다.
무척 아팠다.
그래서 지금 나는 여자가 되어있다.
사실은 진짜 여자가 아닌 여장남자지만… 뭐 어때?
겉모습은 완전 여잔데.
“랄라라라라라♬” 집을 나서면서 다리털을 제거한 매끈한 다리의 각선미를 바라보며 자아도취에 빠졌다.
꽃미남 전지혁.
지금부터 절세미녀 공주가 되는 건가?
여자 교복도 어제 부랴부랴 사촌 누나에게 빌렸다.
그리고 명찰도 새로 만들었다. 전지현으로.
막 교문에 들어서려는 순간 친구 동현의 모습이 보였다.
순간 나는 무의식적으로 녀석의 이름을 부르고 말았다.
‘아뿔싸! 내가 여장한 걸 까먹었다.’
나는 다시 아닌 척, 모르는 척 길을 걸었다.
휴~
1교시, 2교시가 훌쩍 지나고 4교시 쉬는 시간이 되었다.
나는 챙겨온 거울을 보며 메이크업을 했다.
처음 해 보는 메이크업인지라 몹시 서툴렀다.
수업시간 내내 가짜 속눈썹이 얼마나 걸리적거리던지,
아이라인이 지워질까 봐 얼마나 노심초사 했는지,
이래서 여자는 피곤하다.
우리 집안에는 대대로 여자가 없었다.
넓은 범위로는 우리 가문에는 태어나는 아이마다 모두 남자아이였다.
그래서 할머니께서는 손자보다 손녀를 원했고 그 마지막 희망이 우리 엄마였다.
하지만 엄마가 임신하고 몇 개월 뒤 아기를 낳았는데 그 역시 남자였고 그게 바로 나다.
하지만 내가 남자답지 않게 큰 눈과 하얀 피부를 가지고 태어나자 할머니는
“하늘에서 내 소원을 조금이라도 들어줬다.”라고 말하면서 나를 여자처럼 키우기 시작했다.
머리도 기르고 예쁜 원피스도 입혀주고 운동화 대신 구두를 신기고 로봇 대신 인형을 가지고 놀게 하고,
그렇게 나는 초등학교 입학할 때까지 내가 여자인 줄 알았다.
초등학교 1학년이 되고 신체검사가 있던 어느 날,
그 결과를 보며 성별란엔 당연히 여자로 되어있을 줄 알았다.
하지만 성별란엔 남자라고 기록되어 있었다.
그동안 아무도 내 진짜 성별에 대해 언급하지 않았고,
내 앞에서 남자란 말을 꺼내지도 않았었고,
할머니, 부모님, 친척들 모두 나를 속이며 살았다.
하지만 내가 왜 그랬냐고 물어도 누구 하나 속 시원한 대답을 해 주는 사람은 없었고,
나를 계속 여자로 키웠다.
나는 방황하기 시작했다.
맞춰 온 여자 교복도 불태우고 머리도 스포츠머리로 자르고 남자들과 어울리고,
하지만 돌아온 건…여전히 여자 같다는 말뿐이었다.
이렇게 나는 오토코노코가 되었다.
더 긴 이야기는 다음에…
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